The letters, which were received by various citizens in Bradford, Cardiff, Leicester, London and Sheffield, called on the public to commit violent acts against Muslims, with a points system based on the severity of the crime.
Twenty-five points for pulling “a head-scarf off a Muslim ‘woman’”, 500 points for murdering a Muslim, and 2,500 points for “nuking Mecca”.
But this call-to-action is futile. Not least because the cold weather means you shouldn’t waste your time pulling off this “woman’s” scarf – there will be two hats and a hood underneath.
Judging by the letter, Islamophobes don’t believe in mathematics (who can blame them, since algebra was invented by pesky Muslims?), so they’ve struggled to work out a logical points system. Nuking Mecca is the same value as five dead Muslims? And here I was thinking our lives weren’t worth very much…
The sender of this letter also needs a lesson in irony, since they instruct recipients not to follow orders like “sheep”, while simultaneously dishing out instructions to them.
Clearly this white supremacist doesn’t understand Muslims one bit, and, incidentally, needs to pay more attention when at their local Bingo hall.
So here is my 12-point punishment plan for those of you who really want to penalize your Muslim neighbors. It’s so simple, people are already following it – and have been for a long time:
Muslims are European, Asian, African, Arab, British. We don’t all wear the same clothes or think the same thing. In fact, there’s very little that all Muslims agree on, except Tony Blair and Marmite. Dry, salty and with the consistency of rotten fruit, all Muslims agree that Tony Blair should disappear from politics and public life.
Put bacon on our door handles
Because no Islamophobia campaign is complete without bacon, the Muslim kryptonite.
Change your name to Mohammed
As you know, us Muslims love to complain about the “discrimination” we face. We had a good old moan when they tried to ban the hijab in primary schools, Ahmeds claim that their names prevent them from finding employment (they must be underqualified), and people with Muslim names face higher insurance premiums, when they’re clearly just worse drivers.
You can fight the Muslim melodrama and paranoia by changing your name to Mohammed, just to prove that we were making it up all along and there’s no “discrimination” whatsoever.
Tell us that colonialism is irrelevant today
Because the fact that most British Muslims are descended from countries that Britain colonized doesn’t excuse our dilution of white Britain. Tell Muslims to “get over” the past, just like you’re totally over David Beckham’s red card in the World Cup in 1998. And that was way more serious.
Create no-parking areas around mosques
Every Muslim knows that our greatest gripe is finding parking during Friday prayers.
Complain about Muslim integration
While there is a long tradition among Islamophobes to complain about how Muslims don’t integrate in Britain, a more modern spin on this punishment is to criticize Muslim participation in British society.
Somehow we simultaneously assimilate and fail to assimilate. Like the Schrodinger’s Cat of integration. So ask us how dare a Muslim win the Great British Bake Off? How dare a Muslim win Olympic gold medals for Britain? How dare a Muslim become Mayor of London?
And in the same breath, rail against our failure “to integrate” or “learn the language”.
Don’t show up to your GP appointments
Boy, do your Muslim doctors hate this. It also puts an unnecessary strain on the NHS, which apparently you love since you’re already calling for assault and murder.
During the month of Ramadan, ask us “Not even water?” repeatedly
Send us gift vouchers
It is well-known that it is against the Muslim religion to accept gift vouchers, especially for restaurants including but not limited to Nandos, Tinseltown and Charcoal Grill. Nothing offends a Muslim as much as receiving such gift vouchers, so this is an ideal way to get us riled up. We also hate receiving boxes of chocolates and all Muslims are allergic to those delicious (apparently) punnets of bitesize millionaire’s shortbread.
Grow out your beard
Muslim men despise seeing non-Muslims imitating their centuries-old tradition of growing out a beard. In this day and age, it has become quite popular to copy the fashion styles of Muslims, so this is an easy way to score points. Side-effects include being pulled aside for extra security at the airport and being mistaken for a hipster.
Eat at Muslim-run restaurants
Muslims know you enjoy eating a sly curry as much as the next person. Just because you hate Turks, doesn’t mean you can’t chow down on a lahmacun. Well, actually, it should stop you, but we all know it doesn’t, so you can have your racism and eat it.
Stop attacking Sikhs, Hindus, other people of color
To be an Islamophobe above the rest you must be economical with your resources. Despite what you’ve been told, citizens of the world are not categorized into “white” and “other”. A Sikh is not a Muslim. A Hindu is not a Muslim.
A quick Wikipedia search will make it much easier for you to determine which of your fellow citizens qualifies for your “dirty Muzzie” verbal abuse. If you’re going to be an Islamophobe, for the love of God at least be accurate about it.
Easy when you know how!
By Ruqaya Izzidien